This week, in honor of the World Cup, I will blog about getting kicked in the balls. Just kidding! But you might want to place a well aimed shot at my family jewels when you read what I have to say.
Soccer, or as the rest of the world knows it, "football", is a lame sport. I and the majority of Americans have little, if any, interest in it. The only reason I'm even bringing it up is because England was sent packing while Team USA is moving on in the silly tournament. I simply can't resist pointing this out to my British co-blogging friend, Jes. I suppose it is the worst example of poor-sportsman’s-ship to gloat over a sport that I despise, but I really don't care. I have to keep her humble or she'll run right over me. I'm sure if that lousy English team was still in the World Cup and, if by some miracle, the Americans were flying home with their tails between their legs like their British counterparts, then she would be talking rubbish even more than I.
Okay, enough trash talking (did I mention that England is out and America is still in?). Let's get back to why 'futbawl' sucks so much. The two major reasons are tied games and low scoring.
Tied Games
There's a saying here in the states: "a tied game is like feeling up your sister". Sure, you get to grab a little ass, but it's your friggin sister for Christ's sake! That's just gross! And so is a tied game. How in the world do you soccer fans, uh, excuse me football fans, invest all that emotion into a game that could end in a tie? Even if I thought the sport was entertaining, I wouldn't want to get involved. I want closure when I watch sports. I don't like being left hanging.
Low Scoring
This in my biggest gripe with socce... um, football. All that running, kicking, biting, cursing, crying, tantrum throwing - for what? A zero zero tie? Are you people nuts? That's not a sport - that's a political debate in our Congress. Now, granted - we have low scoring sports as well. Baseball and Hockey can have some pretty low scores sometimes, but those are the exceptions. They often have scores that can add up to double digits. A two to one socc... football game is a real barn-burner. Personally, I prefer American football. You can often combine the scores and get above a hundred.
Now that I've pointed out the two glaring flaws of futbawl, I'd like to make five suggested steps that would make the sport more entertaining for us Americans.
1. No more stupid ties. To resolve this you need to be more creative with the overtime periods or the penalty kicks. I suggest having the entire opposing team having a run at the goalie with a ball at the same time. The team with the goalie who screams the loudest would be declared the winner.
2. Induce more scoring opportunities. (I'll bet you didn't see that one coming) This could be done several ways. The easiest would be to make the net twice as long. Other ideas are: a blindfold period, which would be a time in the game when each of the goalies have to wear blind folds, making the goalies wear a ball and chain, and putting two or three balls on the field at the same time. (If FIFA adopts any of these ideas, I want full credit)
3. Take some bloody time-outs. One thing that bugs us Americans more than anything is not having time to run to the fridge for a beer and the cupboard for some more cheese puffs. This sport never stops long enough for a commercial break, which is great for our short attention-spans, but horrible for our bad eating habits. DVR has made things better, but who wants to find out your team lost by a phone call from a friend who kept up with the live action?
4. Add some scantily-clad cheerleaders. Every Madison Avenue sales exec knows that sex sells. The quickest way to the American male sports-fan’s heart is through his pecker. We're so used to T & A every ten seconds on the telly that when it isn't anywhere to be seen, we start to channel surf.
5. Start a lingerie soccer league. All women teams in teddies. Now we're talkin. This may seem the same as step four, and it certainly is the same idea, but it is more of a 'nuclear' option for a sport that needs big-time help. We've watched enough European football to know that it sucks and even if you implemented steps one through four, it might not be enough. Drastic measures need to be taken. Sure, it would be sexist, exploitative and degrading - welcome to Hollywood! When you need to get viewers, follow what the pros do.
Now I'm going to steal some of Jes's thunder. I can hear her now, "we don't give a damn if Americans watch our futbawl"! Frankly, I don't either. But I'm sure that FIFA does. We have a lot of money and they are missing out on some huge American advertising dollars by our apathy. After all, all professional sports are just ways to squeeze more money out of the working man's pocket. I bet we can both agree on that. Did you know that England is out of the World Cup and America is still in?
Jes -
What can I say?
I don't see the point of sitting on your lazy arse, drinking beer and then proclaiming that WE won the match, whatever game it is. If you really love any sport, then you should be playing it.